Embracing Change in Relationship

By · August 24, 2011 · Filed in Reflection & Empowerment

Embracing Change in Relationship

Why do we hold on in our intimate relationships when we know it’s time to let go?  Why is it so difficult to let go and embrace change?  Why do we often return to that same lover hoping for a different result yet, in a matter of time we repeat the same cycle again and again?

“Letting go is hard to do”.  Let’s address this first from the physical.  The choice to move on from a committed relationship is often a difficult choice to make.  We know this.  There are often many factors involved, which may include children, money, our home and then loosing the person we’ve spent more time with day to day than anyone else…just to name a few.  Yet, what is at the root of this?  These external factors certainly play a role, and truly we know there’s more and something deeper lurking underneath.

It’s important in one’s evolution to always return to taking full responsibility for your life and everything in it. When choosing responsibility, it is then not just about the kids or the home it’s about you.  So, what about you?  While we’re still in the relationship nearing the breakup, yet hoping for resolution or an easier way, we certainly are resisting change.  Why?  Well, it is one of the common tenants of the ego to maintain what it knows and resist change at all costs.  Since change moves us into the unknown, the ego will do all it can to keep us where we are in the known even if where we are is absolute misery or just ‘getting by’ in status quo. The unknown to the ego is death, it is crucifixion!

The absurdity of life is that most of us will not choose change until the suffering is so great, that there is no other alternative but to change. The cosmic joke is that once we are actually in the flow of a decision, then on the other side of our bind most often we wonder why we waited, resisted and made it so difficult for ourselves to choose change.

Yes, there are a plethora of justifications to stay where we are.  Why else do we not take the leap, or leap – yet still hold on to where we’re leaping with both hands and end up not really going anywhere?  In our energetic fields, we have deep grooves of patterning that translate into our physical and emotional patterning.  When we make love and invest in a partnership our lover will fit into some of these grooves and we then often become intertwined in this personal groove of the other, which in turn becomes a patterned groove of the relationship.   Some of these grooves are so deep that they will actually reach to the ocean floor of our soul’s journey.

Imagine yourself as a pinball in a deep, thick wooden bowl that has remained circling in the same way lifetime after lifetime, relationship after relationship.  Often the momentum of the pinball appears to have no other choice but to follow the cycle that has been laid out in front of it and to stay with what is known.

So then, how can we dislodge from this groove and create a new one, a healthy supportive one for growth? The simple answer is grace………how the grace flows in is up to you.  Most often we unconsciously choose the form of grace by dislodging from these deep-set patterns through major trauma.  It is the school bus of our life going at a 100 miles an hour and then hitting a 90 degree turn, rolling however many 100’s of feet, and if we survive, the opportunity for change is there.  We are lifted from the groove while in the trauma with an opportunity to choose a new pathway.  And sometimes we take it! Yet, with conscious awareness and the courage to listen to the voice within when it points toward the need to change, we can often circumvent trauma so that we can change and grow without extra strife.

The choice of healing from within is a grand journey and there are many great guides and paths that can assist you.  Choose one and get on the bus that will guide you there safely.  Once you’re on, stay on until you arrive to the final destination of your purpose in this life both in self and in relationship.  This is THE CHOICE of grace, the path of wholeness through inner work.

Now let’s apply this to the breakup. Somehow, the pain and suffering was great enough for us to finally take the leap out of the relationship, yet are we still holding on with both hands?  It’s amazing, within the first few hours or days after we take the leap there is an elation period where we feel so thankful, grateful for finally being free, free to fly, to soar again with the eagles.  During this blip of time, it is clear we made the “right choice”.  Thank Godness!  This time gives us an opportunity to experience the sweetness of finally leaping and these moments are quite wonderful.

Unfortunately, sometimes the ecstasy ride does not last long.  Often we can begin the slide into the dungeons of pain, sadness, doubt and remorse.  During this phase we will do anything to drown out the pain. We will stuff it with whatever vices are at our disposal…alcohol, drugs, TV, sex, excessive talking and justification, and of course running back into the arms of where we just leapt from.

Facing the Goliath of the unknown, of what has been hidden inside is simply too great to face.  Most of us have not prepared enough to courageously raise the slingshot and pebble to the beast within so, we RUN…as fast as we bloody can!

One client I worked with, Patty (pseudo name) had the pattern of not being able to “get over” the most recent ex until she was in the throws of the loss of the most current relationship.  Truly, she was unable to let go of the past relationship until she was again entrenched in the misery of loosing the person in the new relationship.  Tracking through her patterning we found this back door that she would keep open unconsciously so not to have to fully commit to the current relationship.

Patty would leave a relationship with several justifications and then once out she would experience what most of us experience, the pain, doubt, and even hope that there might be a way to still work it out. Well, Patty would focus on the hope of how to work it out.  She would envision that her and her ex would do their inner work on the pieces that were not working while together, and then, once those were worked out they would be able to apply it back into the relationship. She would even be holding this hope while in the next relationship.

As artists of your life, you and your partner paint the mural of your relationship on a white canvas.  When the relationship is over, ideally we take in what we learned from that painting so in the future we can apply it into our lives and our next relationship (the new canvas). We can then choose to offer our past relationship to spirit in ceremony, and place the past canvas in grandfather fire to be released.

What some of us will do is go back to this finished painting and continue to try to paint more and more on a finished piece.  It’s done! Yet, we keep trying to recreate something new with a finished piece. The canvas has been painted, it’s done!  Yet, we want to paint a new painting on top of the finished canvas………this is insanity and not possible.  We must let go of that finished canvas and do our inner work so we can paint a new mural on the next one.

One will say, just like Patty did, “There are many successful relationships with people who got back together”. I am not here to disagree with that…I personally know of very few.  Most likely though, if it is truly a harmonious relationship, there was a letting go of that old canvas, time focused on inner work and then the two choose to paint white over the old canvas and begin somewhat anew.  There will be influences from the past mural, yet a cleaner slate. Regardless, we must let go of that old form completely for a time so the new inspiration; grace and guidance can come in and recreate a more evolved mixture. Even after this, if one ends up being with the same person and creating on a new white canvas, going back will not be going backwards.

Where does this take us?  Simply, at some point we must get off the merry-go-round of holding on to hope within illusion since that ride returns to the same place again and again. Our insanity expects a different result.  This again is an invitation to do the inner work so you get on the bus of awakening without attachment to the end result rather than staying on the merry-go-round of illusion.

*A note: Patty has since transcended the chains of this bind through her personal work and is now painting a new mural on a new canvas…YES!

Comments

Much appreciated for the information and share!
Nancy

Thanks for the share!
Nancy.R

thanks for a great video on abandonment and a good blog on breaking up. I have just been left by my girlfriend and I’m hoping to get here back so the blog struck me right on. My comment is that (as you also say) u often run into another relation exactly like the past with the same result. There is always an initial “Honeymoon” period were u don’t meet your fears as much. I can see it as when you stay in the present relation -or go back- u don’t have to start totally anew. The relation is an unfinished painting (u still haven’t painted the sun above the skies) that just needs some strokes with a new technique or new kind of paint to be finished. So u learn that technique or get that paint and finish the painting. Does this make sense to u Jason?

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Hi, just wanted to say i liked this article.

What about in my situation i never went for that person that i felt strong emotions for and ive always wondered what it would be like. now ive entered a relationship but i cannot forget this person i thought i loved but the closest thing i have to love is my girlfriend exept i feel bad about not loving her wholeheartedly. although on the surface ive done everything right and she has even made mistakes. should i look for what i believe is love or cultivate my love with who i am now?

all you are is love my friend. there are no “shoulds” here. ideally you are honest and present with the emotions you are experiencing. i certainly can not tell you what to do. right now you are with your current girlfriend. can you share what is going within you with her? the woman you can’t stop thinking about… is this a pattern that you’ve encountered before? have you considered being loving and accepting for where you are right now? what is your highest intention? if you can answer these questions, they may guide and support you in your decision. remember, my guidance is intended not to “get the girl” or “get the happiness”… it’s intended to return us to our north star highest potential… to remember who we are! does that help?